Have you ever found yourself mapping out your future together with someone, following only a handful of incredible dates? Perhaps there are fantasy wedding sites you’ve chosen in your mind, or at least fantasy vacation selfie opportunities. If this is you, don’t worry, you are not alone. The high of new love can be overwhelming. But occasionally, we click fast-forward so fast that we forego the opportunity to create something rich and real. So why do so many of us move too fast in relationships? And more importantly, how can we slow down?
9. You’ve Never Seen What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
One of the most frequent reasons why individuals jump into relationships is straightforward: they have no idea what a healthy pace looks like. If you came from a home where love was unstable, dramatic, or reserved, it can be difficult to tell the difference between intensity and intimacy.
Without healthy role models to follow, you may pursue an idealized form of love, confusing whirlwind romances for true connection. As psychotherapist Andrea M. Darcy describes, without a foundation that we can use as a model, we find ourselves reproducing unhealthy patterns—or pursuing a fantasy that is not real.
8. The High of New Love Feels Addictive
There’s a reason we compare new love to a drug—it feels every bit as euphoric. If you’re consistently pursuing that “spark,” you may be addicted to the emotional high of infatuation. This is particularly prevalent in individuals with addictive personalities or recovering from other types of addiction.
Darcy observes that others even use relationships as a substitute high after quitting on substances such as drugs or alcohol. However, though the first rush may feel good, it hardly ever turns into long-term emotional satisfaction.
7. Mental Health Conditions That Affect Impulse Control
Diagnoses such as ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are likely to influence how we interact in relationships. For an individual with ADHD, impulsivity can mean falling head-over-heels in love without considering the consequences. For an individual with BPD, fear of abandonment and severe mood swings can result in intense, rapidly changing relationships.
If you identify these patterns in yourself, it’s worth investigating them with a mental health professional. As Darcy points out, being aware of how these conditions affect your relationships can allow you to start establishing healthier boundaries and expectations.
6. Weak or Nonexistent Boundings
Boundaries are integral to any healthy relationship. Without them, it’s possible to get things moving too fast, particularly if you’re a people pleaser or struggle to say “no.”
Darcy likens it to a car without stop signs: everything’s going too fast until you inevitably crash into a wall. When you don’t take time to gauge compatibility or think about your own needs, relationships either wither or, worse, implode.
5. A Fuzzy Sense of Who You Are
When you’re unclear about who you are, it’s simple to blend in with the other person. When you find yourself conforming to what your partner likes, or you only feel important when you’re in a relationship, it’s a sign that your identity may need some building up.
This usually stems from childhood experiences—maybe you grew up to be a “good kid” first and foremost, or you weren’t validated unless you were filling someone else’s needs. Hurrying through everything can feel like the only way to make a connection, but it usually means losing yourself in the process.
4. Believing Love Must Be Earned
We were taught some of us that we must be perfect, helpful, or perpetually accommodating to deserve love. If this resonates with you, you may leap into relationships and attempt to prove yourself worthy before even having any idea whether or not the other person is the right fit for you.
In Darcy’s view, these kinds of core beliefs lead us to overdo it in early relationships, obsessively focused on making the other person happy while putting our own needs aside.
3. Anxious Attachment Styles
Our early life experiences with caregivers strongly influence how we attach to others as adults. If your early life was emotionally unpredictable or inconsistent, you may have developed an anxious attachment style—constantly preoccupied with being abandoned, always needing reassurance, and being quick to attach in hopes of feeling safe. This nervousness can lead you to rush into relationships too quickly, confusing closeness with safety when what you need is self-regulation and trust development over time.
2. Codependency (and Counterdependency)
Codependency refers to a pattern in which you find self-worth in pleasing others, tending to lose your own identity in the process. Codependent persons may rush into relationships, it feels necessary, or to “rescue” their partners.
On the flip side is counterdependency—a person who is afraid of authentic intimacy but might still get caught up in the passion of a codependent lover. Both cycles have the potential to form high-speed, out-of-balance relationships that are not emotionally based.
1. How to Slow Down—and Build Something Real
If you find yourself in any of these patterns, take heart: it’s completely possible to shift the way you show up in love. Relationship coach Susan Winter advises beginning with radical honesty. Inform your partner that you’re deliberately pacing yourself—not because you’re uncertain, but because you do want the relationship to develop healthily. This creates trust and establishes a tone for mutual respect and boundaries.
If directness makes you nervous, you can employ your calendar as a natural method of setting boundaries—just be certain to provide options so that your partner will not feel shut down. Self-discipline is also important: slow down before committing to the next date, wait on big milestones (such as moving in or making vacation plans), and create boundaries around communication when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Marni Battista, a life coach certified in distinctions, provides another worthwhile change in perspective: treat every new boyfriend as simply “one person,” not “The One.” She advocates a practice she refers to as “Data Dating”—accumulating information gradually, remaining curious, and assessing your compatibility on actual behavior, not potential romance. Be present. Appreciate each date for what it is. And understand that leaving when something doesn’t feel right is an empowering act of self-respect.
Falling in love is lovely. But allowing love room to develop—instead of pushing it—can be even more satisfying. When you take your time, you provide yourself and your partner the opportunity to create something sturdy, genuine, and enduring. And that’s the kind of love you should wait for.