Why Boundaries Are Important (and Why They’re So Difficult)
Let’s get real: boundaries are one of those things everyone discusses, but creating them—particularly with family or the people you love—feels like attempting to construct a fence out of spaghetti. You know you require them, but the moment you make an attempt, guilt, fear, or self-doubt come crashing in. Why is it so difficult to say no or set space for yourself, even when you realize it’s healthy?
The Origins of Boundary Conflicts: Family, Enmeshment, and Abuse
You grew up in a family where boundaries never existed, and you’re not alone. Dr. Margaret Rutherford defines enmeshment as a situation in which the boundary between parent and child is so unclear that it’s difficult to figure out where one person leaves off and the other begins. Perhaps your parent relied on you for emotional support, used you as their confidant, or made you feel guilty about their happiness. In those cases, independence is not encouraged—it’s pulling away or rejecting them.
Sometimes this shows up in subtle ways. Maybe you’re still expected to show up for every holiday, no questions asked, or your dad drops by unannounced and assumes you’re free. Other times, it’s more direct: things like “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” or “You make me so happy.” It sounds loving, but underneath it all, the message is that your job is to take care of them, not yourself.
In abusive relationships, it only gets more difficult. Abusers tend to push back against boundaries in major ways, says A Space to Reflect. If you do try to stand up for yourself, you may be met with criticism, blame, or punishment. At some point, you can begin to feel like your feelings just don’t count, or worse, that it’s bad to even have them.
The Guilt Factor: Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Wrong (Even When It’s Right)
Here’s the hard part: once you finally muster up the courage to put up a boundary, guilt tends to show up as an unwanted guest. NoWorries Wellness describes that guilt is very natural if boundaries are foreign to you, if you were raised around others who didn’t honor them, or if you’re anxious about how someone will respond.
Reminders such as “Am I being selfish?” or “What if they get angry?” are just fine. But that guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing something new. If you’ve given your life away, so to speak, for most of your life, doing something for yourself can be awkward, even revolutionary.
What Happens When Boundaries Aren’t Respected
When individuals disregard your boundaries, the damage can be deep-seated. In enmeshed families, children may grow up feeling responsible for their parents’ feelings, and this makes it difficult to trust their intuition or make decisions confidently. Dr. Pat Love, as referenced by Dr. Rutherford, identifies that under such circumstances, children may even learn to suppress their needs or emotions just to prevent disrupting the boat.
In toxic relationships, the harm can be even more overwhelming. When your limits continue to be pushed or ignored, you may begin feeling numb or excessively critical of yourself. Gradually, it’s simple to detach from your personal feelings, living on eggshells just to steer clear of conflict or penalty.
Practical Steps for Building and Maintaining Boundaries
So, how do you begin setting boundaries when it feels so uncomfortable or unpracticed? One useful place to begin is to become curious about your own emotions. A Space to Reflect recommends taking notice of what your body is communicating—are you tight, anxious, or angry? Where do you feel it? Attempt to notice those feelings without judgment.
Then, take baby steps. Practice a “no” in low-stakes situations—perhaps at a store, or with a friend you know well. Each time you practice, you’re creating a new habit. NoWorries Wellness suggests writing down the boundaries you wish to establish and even rehearsing saying them out loud so that they come more naturally.
And here’s a large one: you’re not responsible for other people’s responses. If you become upset, brush yourself aside, or attempt to guilt you, that’s their work, not yours. Your responsibility is to share your requirements clearly and with respect. That’s not selfish—it’s healthy.
Handling Negative Responses and Self-Compassion
It’s pretty normal to get some pushback, especially if the people around you aren’t used to you having boundaries. You might face silence, guilt trips, or even anger. It’s not fun, but it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
When guilt appears, don’t resist it—accept it. NoWorries Wellness recommends that you approach it with kindness towards yourself. You can say to yourself, “I felt guilty for saying no to my mother, but I knew I had to prioritize myself.” The more you do this, the weaker that guilt gets over time.
The Role of Therapy and Support
Sometimes, establishing boundaries gets into the deeper stuff—old memories, insecurities, or fears you didn’t even know existed. That’s where therapy can be super helpful. A good therapist can be there for you while you work through all that stuff, help you get your voice back, and provide you with tools to build your confidence along the way. They’re in your corner, assisting you in getting back in touch with what you need and care about.
And don’t undervalue the power of positive people. Hang around with people who respect your boundaries and root for you. Each healthy interaction reroutes your brain to view boundaries not as a means of shutting others out, but as a means of building stronger, more authentic connections.