You would probably assume that getting married would be the best antidote to loneliness, yet in reality, most people end up alone even when they are living with and sharing a life with someone else. It’s an aching sort of loneliness that catches you by surprise, and you find yourself thinking, “Why do I feel so lonely when I’m not alone?” If this is your experience, you’re certainly not the only one to go through this emotional labyrinth.
Marital loneliness is more prevalent than people know. In a survey cited by Verywell Mind, almost a third of couples over 45 said they felt lonely. And it’s not so much being physically present with one another or not; it’s about the nature of your relationship. You can be sitting on the couch together every evening and feel like you’re on two separate planets.
So what does marriage loneliness look like? It’s the feeling of emptiness while you are together, the awkward silence that lingers because you don’t know what to say—or because you feel unheard when you do. Perhaps you find yourself hiding from your partner, staying late at the office, or mindlessly scrolling on your phone just to avoid another night of feeling invisible. Physical intimacy may suffer, but it’s the emotional distance that hurts.
Why does this occur? The explanations are as diverse as relationships themselves, yet some patterns emerge. Communication breakdown is a large one. When those deep, intimate discussions disappear, partners can begin to feel like strangers. As explained by Marriage Notebook, forgetting the practice of sharing your inner world can sneakily chip away at the foundation of your relationship. Through time, both partners may cease discussing what matters most, causing a slow move away.
Unmet emotional, physical, or practical needs can also be a wedge. Perhaps your partner used to make you feel special, but no longer does. Or maybe you both work so much and deal with so many curveballs in life that you don’t even have time for each other. Traumatic events, such as losing a job or experiencing a medical scare, can amplify fissures in your bond, particularly if you don’t feel heard and understood.
Social media isn’t helping, either. Comparing your actual relationship to everyone else’s highlight reel can make your relationship feel subpar, breeding dissatisfaction and isolation. And then there’s the effect of the pandemic, which made many couples only have each other for all their social and emotional needs, sometimes pushing the relationship to its breaking point.
But loneliness in marriage isn’t all in your head—it can hurt your health. Tulane University’s School of Public Health reports that long-term loneliness is associated with depression, anxiety, compromised immunity, and even higher risk of cardiovascular disease. When you feel isolated, you might also forgo self-care, avoid healthy routines, or experience sleep problems.
So, what do you do when you’re lonely in your marriage? The initial step is to discuss it. It may be frightening, but speaking with your spouse about what you’re experiencing can be a game-changer. Avoid blame—be honest about your feelings and needs, not accusatory. As the Abundance Therapy Center suggests, speaking in “I” statements and listening actively can keep the interaction constructive.
Quality time matters, too. It’s easy to let life’s demands push your relationship to the back burner, but carving out moments for just the two of you—whether it’s a weekly date night or simply going to bed at the same time—can help rebuild your sense of partnership. Even small rituals, like sharing a meal or taking a walk together, can make a difference.
Empathy is another effective antidote for loneliness. Focus on the Family explains how seeing your spouse’s burdens—and hearing about yours—can create greater connection. At times, simply asking your spouse where he or she feels most alone and listening to his or her response can provide new avenues to intimacy.
Don’t undervalue the value of self-connection, either. As Celebrate Again points out, feeling disconnected from your partner tends to begin with feeling disconnected from yourself. Making time for self-reflection, knowing your own needs, and fueling your growth can serve to make you show up more truly in your relationship.
If you’ve tried these steps and still feel stuck, reaching out for professional help can be transformative. Couples therapy or individual counseling can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, rebuild trust, and learn new ways to communicate and connect.
Loneliness in marriage is a hard, sometimes wordless battle—but it doesn’t have to be a sentence. By being honest, compassionate, and willing to get reconnected (with both your partner and yourself), you can recover the togetherness you long for. Every relationship has downs, but with intention and love, you can get from alone together to really being together.