Ever been in a conversation that suddenly went off course—where you and the other person walked away angry, perplexed, or simply frustrated? That emotional tailspin has one probable source: defensiveness. It’s something all of us have done, whether we’re conversing with a spouse, friend, colleague, or relative. And though it’s a natural reaction, it can sneakily sabotage our relationships.
So, what is defensiveness, anyway? At its core, it’s a mechanism we use to defend ourselves. When we feel attacked, judged, or even slightly criticized, our mind switches into defense mode. Relationship expert Abby Medcalf says we usually try to get defensive because we feel attacked, regardless of whether the person meant it or not. That means it’s not a question of intention—it’s a question of perception.
And our perception is informed by all we’ve experienced: previous heartaches, childhood hurts, our self-value, and the intense fear of rejection or not being “good enough.” Ed Coambs notices that defensiveness tends to surface when we’re afraid of being wounded, abandoned, or exposed. So when someone suggests a weakness or makes a request, our tendency may be to protect ourselves through argument, shutting off, or diverting blame.
The problem is, defensiveness doesn’t just create a wall around us—it pushes people away. It can sound like anger or sarcasm, look like silent treatment, or show up as bringing up old grievances that don’t belong in the moment. At its worst, it can feel manipulative or dismissive to the person on the other end. The unspoken message? “You’re wrong for bringing this up.”
And this is where things get even more complicated: defensiveness has a way of feeding on itself. As Galen Emanuele describes, once one person becomes defensive, the other tends to become defensive as well. The discussion becomes a circular game of blame and counter-blame, and genuine understanding is made next to impossible. Trust begins to dissolve, and genuine connection becomes secondary.
What is happening inside the brain in all this? It’s not emotion—it’s biology. When we’re threatened, our limbic system is in charge. That’s the survival part of our brain, not reflective conversation. It’s the same system that triggers our fight-or-flight response, which means we’re not necessarily in the best head for listening, reflecting, or compromising. But here’s the good news: we can move out of defensiveness—with effort, self-awareness, and intention.
An incredibly potent place to start? Practicing humility. Greater Good Magazine’s team defines humility as understanding we’re not perfect, and we don’t need to be. Taking responsibility for our failures or flaws makes it much easier to accept criticism without taking it personally.
That requires self-awareness. But most of us overestimate our level of self-awareness. Research presented by Liane Davey indicates that most people believe they’re self-aware, but only a small number of them are. That’s why it’s useful to catch yourself regularly. Are you blaming and deflecting? Defending yourself without even knowing you’re doing it? Brushing off someone else’s feelings too quickly?
To break the cycle, timing and tone matter. Abby Medcalf recommends addressing sensitive topics when you’re already in a good place emotionally, not in the heat of an argument. Also, leading with your intention can change everything. If the goal is to connect and improve the relationship (not “win” the conversation), say that upfront.
Good communication is also important. Instead of accusing or blaming, say your feelings and needs calmly and respectfully. When things begin to blow up, stop. Ask questions. Like Galen Emanuele recommends, try curiosity rather than defensiveness. Saying things like “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?” or “I didn’t realize it came across that way—tell me more” can radically change the tone.
Empathy is also a game-changer. When we truly try to understand the other person’s perspective, we open the door for honesty and healing. Acknowledging that their feelings are real can diffuse tension and keep the conversation real.
If you’re struggling with defensiveness in your relationships, therapy can be a powerful tool. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), for example, helps people understand their emotional triggers and build stronger, more compassionate bonds. According to Gold Counseling, EFT fosters emotional safety, so people can drop their guards and open up without fear.
Ultimately, handling defensiveness is not about being perfect or never getting anything wrong. It’s about learning how to remain open even when we’re feeling exposed. It’s about viewing conflict not as something to dread, but as an opportunity to expand and deepen our understanding of each other.
When we begin to stop interpreting feedback as an attack—and start interpreting it as a chance—we open the door to deeper, more genuine relationships with the people we care about most.