Modern dating can feel like a rollercoaster—one minute you’re exchanging flirty texts and planning a weekend together, and the next you’re staring at your phone, wondering why he suddenly disappeared but still managed to like your latest selfie. If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over a random flame emoji or a heart on your Instagram post from someone who’s gone silent, you’re not alone. Mixed messages are all around today, and even the most self-assured individuals can find themselves in a state of confusion and second-guessing.
When the person you’ve been dating or chatting with suddenly quiets down but continues to appear on your social media, it’s simple to begin spinning your stories to account for it. Perhaps he still has feelings for you. Perhaps he’s simply busy, shy, or holding out for you to make your next move. This type of thinking is totally normal according to dating coach Matthew Hussey, particularly when you still have emotions for the person. But he also cautions that liking a post or sending a quick emoji is the lowest form of effort, and it’s not safe to give it more value than it’s worth. We end up reading into these small gestures, hoping they are a sign of actual interest, and accepting crumbs of attention that actually never fulfill our needs. Rather than move on, we linger around, anticipating another virtual breadcrumb, sometimes even sharing things just so we can provoke a response.
Why do people do this? Why ghost, only to continue hovering in your online territory? There’s no one answer, but most of the time, the reasons aren’t flattering. As the creators behind Goddess Vibes explain, sometimes a guy will back off to see if you’ll chase him—it gives him a little ego boost and lets him keep things casual without fully letting go. At other times, there may be someone else involved, or he may have approached you at a chaotic moment in his life and doesn’t know how to bring it to closure. And at times, people just enjoy the low-effort rush of liking pictures or watching stories without ever intending to make contact. It’s easy, fast, and allows them to be engaged without doing any effort.
The actual issue begins when you place too much significance on these little gestures. Each time you go to see if he saw your story or liked your post, you’re releasing a little bit of your focus and energy. Hussey says it bluntly: your love life shouldn’t be defined by an emoji. When you answer someone who’s only giving you the bare minimum, you’re showing them that that’s enough—that they don’t have to do any better. If you’re looking for a better connection, you need to hold out for better. Don’t reward someone for doing the absolute minimum.
So, how does one deal with this type of situation? Both Hussey and Goddess Vibes share the same advice: mimic what they do. If they do eventually stop contacting you, don’t fill the space. Don’t pursue, don’t overthink, and don’t turn yourself inside out trying to interpret what a like or view could be signaling. Pay attention to your own life instead—spend time with friends, enjoy things that bring you joy, and give your energy to people who do show up for you. Not only does this protect your sense of self-worth, it also sends a strong message: you’re not sitting around waiting for scraps. Ironically, this kind of self-assurance tends to be more attractive than any perfectly crafted selfie.
But what if you’re someone who prefers to be direct? Michael S. Sorensen makes a strong case for honest communication instead of ghosting or playing games. If you don’t feel it, it’s alright—and more respectful—to say so. And if you’re the recipient of hot-and-cold treatment, it’s okay to request clarity too. The key is to recognize when to quit investing in a person who’s half-presenting. You don’t need to earn someone’s interest or beg for consistency.
Ultimately, the healthiest thing to do is guard your time, your energy, and your peace. Don’t allow someone’s erratic behavior to keep you trapped or questioning your value. If a person wishes to be present in your life, they will put effort into being present. Otherwise, remain in touch with what makes you feel assured, linked, and loved—and don’t worry about letting go of the rest.