There’s a specific pain of being unheard or invalidated by the one you love most. It’s a loneliness that can creep in even when you’re sitting next to each other on the couch, the feeling that your words are ricocheting off a wall or, worse still, that your feelings don’t count. If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same conversation, raising your voice in frustration, or quietly withdrawing because it seems pointless to try, you’re far from alone. This silent struggle is one of the most common—and most corrosive—issues couples face.
At the heart of every thriving relationship is emotional intimacy: that deep sense of being known, understood, and cherished by your partner. As Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby states, “Feeling truly known, understood, respected, seen, loved by your partner is what happens when you feel authentically heard and received by them.” When this is lacking, everything else falls apart in the relationship. Eventually, the lack of emotional connection will create resentment, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness that’s difficult to get rid of.
So why do so many couples get trapped in this? Typically, it begins with emotionally invalidating communication styles that most don’t even know they’re doing. Perhaps your partner goes directly into “fix it” mode when you’re opening up, giving you answers rather than emotions. Or maybe they attempt to reason you out of feelings, telling you that you’re overreacting or misunderstanding. At other times, it is simply inattentiveness—your partner is busy, multitasking, or somewhere else in their head when you need them to be there. At other times, it is emotional tone-deafness, where one or both people are not skilled or emotionally intelligent enough to respond in a validating manner.
Defensive reactions can escalate the situation. As Lissy Abrahams says, “People bring their own emotions and past experiences into a conversation, which can make them misinterpret every comment as a personal attack.” If your partner is prone to feeling blamed or criticized, even constructive criticism can call up a defense wall, so it becomes almost impossible to have a meaningful conversation. This miscommunication and hurt-feeling cycle can leave both partners feeling hurt and isolated.
History and emotional baggage have a strong influence, as well. For others, a history of rejection, bullying, or emotional neglect can make them hypersensitive to real or imagined slights. As ADDitude Magazine describes, women with ADHD tend to learn withdrawal as an emotional coping strategy, expecting rejection and withdrawing emotionally to spare themselves hurt. These early or earlier relationship patterns can make it difficult to believe that your partner actually cares, even if they do.
The actual threat arises when these invalidating moments become habitual. Every time you attempt to convey something vital and get dismissed or not understood, it’s sort of a small crack in the foundation of your relationship. Over time, these micro-moments accumulate, and they chip away at trust and emotional safety. Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby says, “Unintentionally, nobody’s doing this on purpose. But when someone tells you how they really feel, or what they need, or what their hopes are, or what is upsetting them even, and when that is invalidated, or dismissed, or rejected, or reacted to with hostility or contempt, it is a betrayal of trust.” Sooner or later, you might give up trying at all, thinking that anything is unlikely to change.
But here’s the tough reality: sometimes it’s not all your partner’s fault. In most relationships, you both play a role in the dynamic, and you may not even be aware of it. It requires humility to take a step back and say, “Am I really listening? Am I affirming my partner’s feelings, or am I so concerned with my own hurt that I’m not even catching theirs?
” As Dr. Bobby explains, “When we are struggling to be heard, we are feeling invalidated. We’re not receiving the response that we desire. We are actually seeking comfort, or connection, or reassurance, and when that isn’t what we are receiving, it feels bad.” But it’s equally easy to overlook the times when we’re invalidating someone else.”. So how do you get out of the cycle and begin to heal? It starts with calling the problem out. Rather than re-arguing the argument, attempt to disengage from the content and discuss the process. You could say, “I feel like when I attempt to explain to you how I am feeling, you react in a way that makes me feel unheard.”.
I’d appreciate it if we could do this together.” This turns a conversation from blame into one of cooperation. Listening first is a game-changer. Don’t push your agenda; instead, become curious about the way your partner sees things. Ask open-ended questions and actually hear the responses, even if you don’t concur. Reflect what you’re hearing: “What I’m hearing is that you’re overwhelmed with work stress, which is affecting your desire for connection.
Is that right? ” This type of reflective listening allows your partner to feel heard and understood, which is usually all they’re really wanting. Emotional validation is the magic sauce.
As Dr. Bobby explains, “To validate someone, it means that you’re making them feel understood by you, that you get whatever they’re telling you, you are believing what they are saying about how they feel.” You don’t necessarily have to agree with their point of view, but you do need to believe it is real and significant to them. Simple phrases like “That makes sense,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way,” can be surprisingly powerful. Setting boundaries and taking responsibility for your own emotions is also crucial.
As The Gottman Institute explains, “The goal of a boundary isn’t to change another’s behavior, but to create safety and integrity for ourselves.” You can’t dictate your partner’s response, but you can dictate how you communicate your needs and how you react when situations get difficult.
Learning to self-soothe, instead of insisting on constant reassurance, can discontinue the protest behaviors and emotional dependence. At other times, no matter how hard you try, you simply come up against a barrier. If there has been a betrayal of trust or communication seems hopeless, the time might come when you need professional assistance. As Joanne Koegl, LMFT, puts it, “Many relationships that feel over are actually at a crossroads—not a dead end.” An experienced couples therapist can assist both of you in learning what is truly happening beneath the surface, what patterns hold you back, and acquire new skills to rekindle your relationship. The good news is that all of these are skills you can develop. No one comes into the world knowing how to have healthy, emotionally intimate relationships. It’s a matter of growth, self-awareness, and practice.
When both people are committed to doing the work—to listen, validate, and be present with empathy and curiosity—relationships heal and even flourish. The path isn’t always straightforward, but the payoff is a stronger, more enduring relationship that can stand up to whatever life brings your way.