Let’s face it—most of us anticipate fireworks in the early stages of a relationship. That intense chemistry, the attraction, the thought that you can’t. May his sexuality stop thinking of (or touching) each other. But what do you do when that spark dims—or perhaps never really ignites? Is it possible to craft a serious, long-term relationship without burning sexuality? May his sexual pull wear off? Is the relationship doomed?
The Truth About Fading Attraction
It’s completely normal for the excitement of a new attraction to burn off as a relationship ages. The beginning always has this sparks-is-flying thing, with an injection of excitement and newness. But as the relationship enters autopilot mode, those all-consuming feelings can get stale—or even seem to disappear altogether. It’s maddening, and it may lead you to wonder if you’re even attracted to your partner anymore. The good news? You’re not alone, and it doesn’t necessarily spell disaster.
Attraction is oftentimes not about physical looks or sexual chemistry. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Roman off says that a multifaceted combination of emotional, intellectual, and physical factors. We feel attraction through words of affirmation, thoughtful acts, common experiences, touch, and so on. That which we refer to as “the spark” is an intermingling of connection, care, and chemistry.
Why Attraction Dissipates—or Never Even Existed in the First Place
Predictability and Routine
Security is great in a long-term relationship, but predictability can be a negative. The element of adventure that once stoked desire may yield to habit and routine, which can numb romantic or sexual interest.
Physical Changes
If you’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship that was emotionally hot but unstable, you may seek a more placid, more. That emotional security can—but it may not include the physical flame, and you’ll be confused about what you need.
Life Stress and Changing Needs
Life transitions—such as grief, trauma, parenting, or stress— suppress priorities. At those moments, we might hunger for comfort and stability rather than physical intimacy, only to find ourselves missing attraction later when things are calm.
Can Relationships Survive Without Strong Sexual Attraction?
Cultural Perspectives
For most cultures, arranged marriages or long-term relationships founded on compatibility and mutual beliefs—rather than attraction—are not uncommon. Such unions may flourish when both parties are aligned in terms of expectations and emotional requirements.
Balancing Emotional and Physical Needs
Some couples are happy with low-sex or sexless relationships, provided both partners agree. Problems tend to start when there is a mismatch—when one partner wants passion but the other is apathetic. This can result in frustration, resentment, or estrangement over time.
Potential Risks
1. Reflect on the Root Causes
Begin by wondering what’s going on. Is this lack of attraction purely physical, or is there an emotional or relational dynamic at stake? Stress, unworked-through conflict, health shifts, or even the absence of quality time may all influence desire.
2. Discuss It—Tactfully
Once you’ve taken some time to reflect, have an open and compassionate conversation with your partner. Focus on sharing your own experience, rather than placing blame. And listen—your partner may be feeling similarly or may have their own unmet needs they haven’t voiced.
3. Make Efforts to Reconnect
If you two want to rekindle the flame, it usually takes deliberate effort. Engage in new experiences together, cherish time alone, and reintroduce the small elements that previously made you feel intimate—flirting, touch, feelings, and thoughtful surprises. Intimacy coaxed.
4. Seek Support
If the problem seems too much to handle by yourself, think about seeing a therapist, one-on-one or together. A therapist can assist you in sorting out what’s going on below the surface, be it relationship issues, mental health challenges, or deeper personal issues.
5. Be Honest About What You Need
If, despite the time and effort, you realize that the unattractiveness is a deal breaker to you—or your partner—it’s okay to accept it. It hurts to break up when there’s care and love, but persisting in a dynamic that doesn’t fulfill your fundamental needs can create more harm in the long run. If you decide to stay and try to work it out, or if you break up with kindness, honesty is the most respectful way forward.