Marriage is hailed as this perfect union, but for so many women, it’s a solitary, draining ordeal that drives them to the brink. Emotional abandonment and unrealistic assumptions are subtle but potent forces that erode the basis of so many relationships, making women feel invisible, unheard, and unvalued. Let’s explore more deeply why it occurs, how it feels, and what women are doing about it.
The Burden of Gendered Expectations
Girls are saturated with messages from a very early age about what it is to be a “good mother” or “good wife.” These messages are integrated into family, culture, and even cultural norms. As described by Katrina Johnson León, Ed.D., she received mixed messages—urged to be ambitious yet pushed toward more traditional feminine ideals. She remembers being informed that she might be able to be a doctor, but have to cheer, wear skirts, and take care of all the domestic details. Being pulled in two opposing directions at all times compels most women to think that they have to do everything, and do it all with no help or appreciation from their husbands. As pointed out by Katrina Johnson León, Ed.D., “As individuals, we need to watch out for how open we are to taking on responsibilities that need to be shared.”
Emotional Labor and the “Married Single Mom” Syndrome
The most pernicious feature of contemporary marriage might be the inequality in emotional labor. Women remember birthdays, book doctor’s appointments, coordinate the kids’ business, and monitor the emotional rhythms of the family. All this behind-the-scenes work wears them down and is rarely returned. As Johnson León’s sister put it, women often find themselves “married single moms” all of single parenthood’s labor but with the “official” status of a partner at home.
This disequilibrium is not a myth. Research has confirmed that women are continuing to do the lion’s share of the work at home and emotional work despite the fact that they are holding down jobs and obtaining their own education. As quoted in The Levey Law Group, “In most marriages, women do most of this emotional labor. When this labor is not divided equitably, it can lead to resentment and tension in a marriage.”
Emotional Neglect: How It Looks and Why It Hurts
Emotional neglect will not necessarily yell or scream. It is the passive disregard of feelings, discomfort in distress, or inability to connect. Both men and women are at risk of emotional neglect in psychocultural contexts. Men will turn inward with pain, put away, or get angry. Women will seek reassurance, discuss feelings, or ruminate on how they might have done things differently.
As TalktoAngel explains, “Women may seek others’ approval and attention as a substitute for the emotional deprivation. The external approval will temporarily push aside feelings of worthlessness, but does not eliminate the underlying emotional deprivation.” Again and again, it can become anxious, depressed, and feel overwhelmingly isolated.
Why Women Are Normally the Leavers
No wonder women sue for divorce with these dynamics in play. The better that women understand their needs and the negative consequences of remaining in an undesirable marriage, the more at ease they will feel with spending on themselves. According to The Levey Law Group, “Women are coming to see that being in an unhappy marriage has unhealthy effects on their physical and mental well-being.” Upon realizing this, and the illusions broken and chronic abandonment emotional abuse creates, many women are prompted to divorce as a method of growth and bliss.
The Challenge of Change: Will Emotionally Abusive Partners Heal
The million-dollar question on everyone’s tongue is whether and when emotionally abusive or neglectful partners can actually change. The answer is complex. Yes, real, lasting change only happens when the person doing the hurting themselves desires to change for themselves and not because they are afraid of losing their partner. As one ex-abuser characterized it, healing from emotionally abusive behavior is possible but involves outrageous humility and willingness to confront difficult truths about oneself.
Change is most likely to happen when that person has decided to change themselves because they know and they realize they have an issue. The suffering individual has closed their heart already, and then the relationship cannot ever be mended, even if the abuser decides to change. But when both are adopting love and are willing to heal, change can happen.
Survival Strategies: Quiet Quitting, Detachment, and Self-Nurturing
For women locked up—by finances, kids, or fear—flight is never a simple option. Under those circumstances, some professionals suggest “quiet quitting” out of the relationship psychologically as a survival strategy. That is, quitting on the fantasy of expecting the partner to change, redirecting energy into self-sustenance, and taking steps toward independence.
As one of the representatives demonstrates, quiet quitting is not a solution but a compromise. It is comprised of establishing boundaries, not fighting pointless battles, and performing labor in external relationships outside of the marriage. Women need to “stop looking to misogynistic men for love and support, and begin constructing your community of mothers and feminists,” Zawn teaches.
The Need for Support Networks and Healthy Boundaries
No human being has to experience emotional neglect or abuse in isolation. Building the healthy support network—friends, family, community agencies—is part of the solution for finding validation and true support that is not found at home. Establishing the development and enforcement of boundaries is essential. One relationship coach describes it as not controlling the other individual’s behavior, but establishing safety and integrity for oneself.
Learning to say no, employing self-calming methods, and reclaiming time and energy wasted on trying to control or fix a partner are all elements of healing. The Gottman Institute states, “By taking responsibility for meeting your own needs and pursuing your own passions, you will find yourself much less likely to attempt to control others.”
The Role of Societal Change and Education
Although individual action is necessary, the real change is changing the social attitudes. The gendered roles stereotyping, normalizing traditional expectations, and normalizing emotional neglect all need to be countered at all levels—right from the family to schools to media. Facilitating open discussion about healthy relationships, educating youth on boundaries and emotional intelligence, and promoting egalitarian relationships are all in the right direction.
As one study published in the Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care suggests, “Creating opportunities for individuals and families, and especially husband and wife to discuss expectations from each other may help individuals and families to better know each other and find ways of coping with expectations.”
Emotional neglect is an epidemic in marriage, but it does not have to be a life sentence. Women—and men—can educate themselves about the cause, the symptoms, and alter to reclaim control and become happy, building improved, more satisfying relationships.